Chief Wiggum

Last update: 1998-05-03 10:45

BookEmLou.wav
Wiggum:		Book 'em Lou.


Bribe.wav
Wiggum:		Ahh, I hate to interrupt your fun boys. But I got a few complaints
		that your game is crooked.
Homer:		He, he, and how!
Wiggum:		Eh, I hate to close you down. Maybe we can reach a little, eh,
		understanding here?
Homer:		I understand..
Bart:		Eh, hey dad I, I think he wan..
Homer:		Not right now son! Daddy's talking to a policeman.
Wiggum:		Eh, let me put it this way, I'm looking for my friend Bill, have
		you seen any Bill's around here?
Homer:		No.... he's Bart..
Wiggum:		Ah, ehh, uhmm, listen carefully and watch me wink as I speak, okay?
Homer:		Okay!
Wiggum:		The guy I'm really looking for, wink, is mister Bribe, wink, wink.


Brothel.wav
Wiggum:		It's a good thing you drifted by this brothel.


CabelTV.wav
Wiggum:		Ahhh
TV-guy:		Your cable TV is experiencing difficulties, please do not panic.
		Resist the temptation to read or talk to loved ones. Do not attempt
		sexual relations as years of TV-radiation has left your genitals
		withered and useless.
Wiggum:		(checking under the sheets) Well, I'll be damned.


DOA.wav
		(Ring, ring)
Marge:		Hello
Wiggum:		Ahh yeah, Mrs. Simpson I have some bad news. Your husband was found
		DOA.
Marge:		Oh, my god he's dead?
Wiggum:		Oh wait, I mean DWI, ha ha ha, I always get those two mixed up.
		(Hangs up)
Mrs. Phillips:	My name's Mrs. Phillips, you said my husband was DWI.
Wiggum:		Ahhhh, why don't you talk to that officer over there? I'm going out
		to lunch


FreakingGuns.wav
Wiggum:		Becoming a cop is not something that happens over night... it takes
		one solid weekend of training to get that badge.
Man:		Forget about the badge, when do we get the freakin' gun?
Wiggum:		Hey, I told you, you don't get your gun until you tell me your name.


Inflatable.wav
Wiggum:		Ah, just get one of those inflatable women, but make sure it's a
		woman though, 'cause one time I... ahh he.


Mask.wav
Wiggum:		Just a minute! This isn't Mr. Burns at all. It's a mask. (pull, yank)
		Well it is Burns. He, his wrinkly skin looks like a mask.


Pig.wav
Wiggum:		Hey, according to the charter, as chief constable, I'm supposed to
		get a pig every month.


PlaneWreck.wav
Wiggum:		Okay folks, show's over, nothing to see, shows.. OH MY GOD a horrible
		plane crash. Hey, everybody get a load of this flaming wreckage.
		Come on, crowd around. Crowd around, don't be shy, crowd around.


Rampage.wav
Marge:		My husband is on a murderous rampage, over!
Wiggum:		Oh, well thank God that's over. I was afraid there for a second.


RemainSilent.wav
Wiggum:		You have the right to remain silent, anything you say, blah blah
		blah blah, blah blah.


Skeleton.wav
Wiggum:		Jebediah Springfield has been replaced with a skeleton!
Museum guy:	No, that's the skeleton of Jebediah.
Wiggum:		Gotcha, gotcha!


SlowDown.wav
Scientist:	Here is an ordinary square.
Wiggum:		Whoa, whoa, slow down egghead.


SwimNaked.wav
Wiggum:		Do not be alarmed! Continue swimming naked! Ahh, come on!
		Continue! Come on.. ohh..


TheLittleDifferences.wav
Officer:	You know, I went to the McDonalds in Shelbyville on Friday night.
Wiggum:		The McWhat?
Officer:	McDonalds restaurant, I never heard of it either but they have
		over 2000 locations in this state alone.
Officer2:	Must have sprung up over night.
Officer:	You know the funniest thing thou? It's the little differences.
Wiggum:		Example!
Officer:	Well, at McDonalds you can buy a Krustyburger with cheese, right.
		But they don't call it a Krustyburger with cheese.
Wiggum:		Get out! Well what do they call it?
Officer:	A Quarter Pounder with cheese!
Wiggum:		Quarter Pounder with cheese? Well, I can picture the cheese but
		ehh.. do they have Krusty Partially Gelatinated Non-dairy Gum-based
		Beverages?
Officer:	Mmhmm, they call em shakes.
Officer2:	Humph, shakes. You don't know what you're getting.
Wiggum:		Well I know what I'm getting, some donuts. Uhhh, ahhh, help me out
		of the booth boys.


ThisIs912.wav
Wiggum:		No, you got the wrong number, this is 9 1.. 2.